A girl I worked with for about a year and a half put in her two weeks notice two weeks ago. Her last day is Sunday. I don't work Sundays. She told me when she came in to buy food on Wednesday that she would be working Friday. I told her I'd make her a cake.
Today was Friday. I made a chocolate pie. She didn't come in.
When my dad was sick, when he had a stroke, when he started drinking again, when I found out he'd died, she was the first person and often the only person I talked to about it. I made sure she knew that when he did die I didn't want one of those stupid condolence cards they give you, where everyone signs something and it's always really awkward because no one ever knows what to write.
A couple weeks after he died they started giving me Fridays off. Suddenly she and I never worked together. I hadn't seen her in a month or two. I won't see her again. And if I do there will be a counter between us. And I'll be taking her order instead of gossiping beside her or confiding in her. And it won't be the same.
John wanted me to come to his office holiday party up until a few days ago. And then he said maybe his parents would be in town, so maybe he'd take them instead, but Tuesday night he told me they weren't coming to visit until January and then tonight I called him and he called me back and said he was driving home and would call me when he got there. Two hours later I sent him a text message that I was going to bed and if he still needed a date to his thing he should call me tomorrow. He texted me essentially that he was going alone and only going for a little while. I called him. He told me he hated his suit and was planning on going for a little while and then maybe he'd do something with his coworker and his coworker's wife and I could come to that he guessed. Oh, and by the way, he's leaving on either Monday or Tuesday for Texas.
I told him if he didn't like me or if I'd upset him like that time my mom offended him and he just avoided me for four days instead of saying something than he should just tell me what was up. He said he still liked me. There was nothing wrong. I told him he was hard to read. He agreed. I said good night and fifteen minutes later wanted to call him back and say, "Fuck you. You're unreliable. Go to Hell."
I am so fucking tired of being disappointed. I need stability. I need to be able to trust when someone says something they mean it and it will happen. I'm sad and lonely and depressed and can't believe I'm wasting my time with this guy because I need so badly to have someone to talk to right now even though he never says the right thing and I just wanted to cuddle up to a warm body tonight and feel safe and wanted and like I'm not some extranous growth that forces people to pay attention to it by saying something outragous or fucking them or baking them food while listening to them complain that I didn't walk over and hand it to them.
10:23 p.m. - 2006-12-01
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