The Christmas season is fast approaching and I've decided to make bunches of puppets and put them online. If I give myself deadlines I might actually make them. I need something to get me out of this funk. Maybe after Christmas I'll go to part time and make puppets and write and draw during the rest of the week. Become an artist. Stop feeling like I'm full of shit. Pretending to be something other than what I am.
I feel very detached from life.
I had a boy at work tell me he didn't go for me because I came on too strong. My problem though is that I have nothing to lose. I am just acting on impulses, not really caring about the results. I do things because they are funny or they feel good or I'm bored in the moment.
I wrote "lazy" "useless" and "stoopid" and taped it to my register today. My manager pulled it off and said, "Don't do that." She thinks I am unhappy and should quit my job. I told her I'd be unhappy anywhere right now. I do hate my job, but I would miss the people who work there if I quit. I don't really have much of a support network. And those people are great work friends, but I know if I left I would never speak to any of them again. They all love me, but it is a strictly workplace kind of love, so if I left I would be completely alone and that is even more terrifying than what I am doing now, which is sucking so badly at my job that my performance is sinking to the level of the majority of the people who work there (i.e. the potheads).
I come in late. I spend a lot of time standing around. I disappear to the kitchen and talk to those people and don't do any of the extra stuff I used to. I spend my paycheck before it's even made it into my bank account.
I want to fix what's broken. I want to find something to care about. A lot of the time I mistakenly think another person will fill how empty I feel, but they invariably make me feel emptier. I come across as desperate. But it's like I'm watching myself from outside myself. I am completely calm and acknowledge I am acting crazy and know it is just an act. I seem outgoing even though I am really an introvert, forcing myself to pretend to be outgoing, so that I will be. I come across as straightforward and honest and then never ever say how I actually feel. But as long as I am detached from the world and from myself, it'll all be ok. Okay?
6:18 p.m. - 2006-11-14
Recent entries:
A Small Mountain of Perishables - 2010-10-04
Update - 2010-08-04
I moved closer to town. - 2007-07-26
Higher Education Got me Laid - 2007-06-29
If it's this hard to pick a dress, I'd hate to think about buying a house. - 2007-06-28
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