Talking to my family about anything important is pointless. They never listen to more than the first few words, not even an entire sentence, before forming their own response, cutting you off, negating your existance. I still remember the time I was working as a counselor at a summer camp and tried to talk to my mom when one of my campers got molested and she asked if maybe this innocent, wonderful nine year old "liked the attention."
I feel like I've been falling into a hole for most of my life and recently someone went in while I was sleeping and dug it deeper for me. I'm so angry. All the time. I've always been angry, but it's gotten worse in recent months. I don't know how to deal with any of it. I just supress it and supress it and it leaks out the edges. I take it out on everyone. Little bursts of passive aggressive anger. Little twists of control.
I want to be alone, but the problem with it is, if you're good at being alone, really good at it, there's never anyone to talk to.
My sister has her boyfriend. My brothers have their girlfriends. My mother has all her friends and even though neither my little sister or I can keep a boyfriend, she at least has friends. I've dug my own hole. You can't go around fucking people for a while when you get tired of being alone and expect any of them to care about you.
Who do you ask for help when you're ripping apart at the edges and you can't trust yourself and you definitely can't trust your only other resource, your family, not to be sarcastic and make fun of you for being so weak?
12:13 a.m. - 2006-12-24
Recent entries:
A Small Mountain of Perishables - 2010-10-04
Update - 2010-08-04
I moved closer to town. - 2007-07-26
Higher Education Got me Laid - 2007-06-29
If it's this hard to pick a dress, I'd hate to think about buying a house. - 2007-06-28
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